Its been a long time since I've written. I am not very good about this whole blogging thing.

So updates: I finally know what is going on with me. I have been diagnosed with M.S. Yep you read that right. And if you don't know what M.S. is it stands for Multiple Sclerosis. Basically my body is attacking its nerves and eating away at the lining that covers them.

There is good news though. Me and my husband are expecting a new little one. :) He/she will be here in no time it feels like. Can't wait to have new little feet pattering around the house.

With all of that to focus on I haven't much let myself dwell on the past. But yesterday and today are my two day "anniversary" of what happened so many years ago. I try not to think about it now and most days I don't. It takes seeing something in a movie, a particularly stormy night, or seeing a look alike now to get me spooked. This is a nice change from where I have been. But regardless my body knows what time of year it is even if I won't allow my mind or heart to wander that way. I have been having a lot of cramping and contractions with baby these past few weeks and I can't help but wonder if there is a connection there. My sleep has also been troubled even if I go to bed with happy thoughts and feelings.

So I am taking today one hour, sometimes one minute, at a time and just trying to stay focused on work and life at hand. So much has changed and so much good has come to me in my life. The Lord truly has blessed me.

May your days be filled with blessings too. And lets focus on those blessings as we face each hardship.

Rescue us soon

I'm already tired this morning of people saying "that's better that they didn't find much," "buck up," "It will get better..." Don't they understand what it is like to live like this day after day after day? To never know whats wrong with you or why you are in pain and have no way to do anything about it? If they found something -no matter what it was- they could fix it/me; they could treat it/me; Instead I sit suffering. Watching my family suffer with me.

Watching my husband work himself to death trying to be two people. He is not superman although he has sure tries to be. Every morning he has to get ready and then the real work begins. He has to help me get ready. He spends his mornings trying to take care of me, fetch me clothes/shoes/whatever he can do to make my life easier. Do you know what it is like to not be able to dress yourself in the morning? On bad days, I have to ask my husband to help me put on pants and try not to scream while he gently helps me. Then he has to help our daughter. Get her dressed, do her hair, pack her lunch, get her ready for school. All the things I should be doing...

Then he drives her to school, me to work, and finally gets to work himself. Because of me he may be fired from his job. Because I make him late to work daily with this. Because now he has to get everyone ready, drop everyone else first and then go to work and do the same thing coming back home. They are used to him working late and now he can't because we can't be late getting Kira from school. Which means that he has to do the same amount of work in a shorter amount of time. Its not going well and he told me last night that he is pretty sure his dad is about to fire him.

When he gets home he has to cook, take care of me some more, take care of Kira, try to make time to play with her, do laundry, clean, pay bills, tuck her in, tuck me in because I have a hard time getting into the bed without someone lifting my legs up for me. And finally crash. He is exhausted and I am powerless to help him.

I try. I really really do. I try to get myself and Kira dressed in the mornings if he brings me the clothes. If I'm having a really good day I can stand in the kitchen long enough to make my lunch and hers. I try to stay up late with him so he is not alone doing all the work. At least talk to him. I try to let him play system or watch T.V. as much as possible so he has some down time. I'm doing my best to be a supportive wife and try to burden him as little as possible.

Then there is my daughter. She is soooooooo confused day after day. I think she is starting to like school more than home because there is always someone to play with her there. She has friends. She can run. She doesn't have to be careful there. I can't play with her the way I used to. She has to be careful not to hurt me. Even sitting on my lap for a snuggle for awhile can put me in tears. Sunday it took me 20 minutes to walk back to the bedroom and I was crying the whole way and screamed out twice. All because we snuggled on the couch for a few hours together. How hard this must be for her. I can't even make her a glass of water unless she brings me the pitcher and a cup from the fridge. I'm sure she is tired of my inability and it worries her. Every day at bed time she is praying please God make my mommy better. She writes me "notes" daily telling me she loves me and hopes I feel better soon. I have around 30 now throughout the house. She is a trooper and I know she will get through this but its sooooo hard to watch her suffer and have to go without the things I used to be able to give her. She just wants me to be able to go out and play or get on the floor and crawl like a kitty with her. Things I can no longer do... Most nights I can't even get up to tuck her in. She has to come to me for prayers, songs, stories and hug and kiss goodnight then go with daddy to be tucked in. Its heartbreaking for me to watch her walk away, yearning to hold her a little longer, and tuck her in, kiss her goodnight, and turn off the light like I used to.

I'm sorry if I sound bitter but I'm breaking. I'm so tired. I've been strong through this as long as possible and I just want a break from the pain. A break from the suffering. A little time of peace.

I feel like we have prayed and prayed and no answer. Why is God doing this to us? I don't want to be mad at him and I'm not. I'm just exhausted. I need the shelter under his wings. I need to be held by my savior. But I feel so alone. I feel like he is punishing me for something... but what? I've tried to remind myself that I can't see him purposes and I need to trust in his plan. That it may have nothing to do with me. Maybe he is trying to teach something to someone else. But Who? And Why? When does it end? When will he rescue me? Rescue us? When will this hurt and heartache end?

I feel like I'm shutting down. I'm exhausted even though I got sleep last night. But I find myself falling asleep at my desk. Falling asleep in the car. Feeling weak and tired and unable to concentrate or function today. Its like my body is saying screw you! I've had enough and you may want to keep going day after day but I'm done. I need a vacation. Coffee helps. And chocolate. But its a temporary fix just to keep me awake through the day. I need some rest. Real rest. Please Jesus. I don't even know what to pray for anymore so I will hold onto my life verse and you and my family and wait. Please rescue us soon.

Just Bacon

So it has been a few weeks but I wanted to update on this newer journey. I've been pretty sick lately so I haven't had time to do much of anything.

Things are going well. The friend that is doing the 1000 Blessings dare sent me a copy of the book and I have to say that I LOVE it! It really is amazing. I have decided to stop doing the dare the way that she is doing it off of a list and just create my own list. The first day I came up with 12 blessings. I am steadily adding to the list and the best part is we are doing it as a family. Every night at bedtime we do stories songs and prayers but now we are also doing blessings from the day. It is so much fun to listen to my daughters blessings. She loved doing it and she gets so excited to tell me what she is thankful for. :) It makes my heart smile. I have also noticed a big improvement in my own mood.

So much bad has happened lately and at times it just feels overwhelming. Somehow though saying what I AM thankful for in that hard moment seems to make me feel so much better. Last night I was in soooo much pain but all I had to do was say that I was thankful I wasn't in a wheelchair and I could get around on crutches and that I was thankful for the Wendy's we were getting for lunch and that I didn't have to hobble around making it and BING! my mood improved about the whole situation. :) I need to keep my journal near me because that is the one struggle I am going to have doing this. Not the remembering to be thankful part but the remembering to record what I am thankful for part so I can look back on my 1000 or more blessings and remember in those hard times all the things that are good and right and pure in this life. Even if its just bacon.

Seasons of change

Its been a long time since I've sat down and blogged. I think over a year now.

A friend of mine has been telling me I should get back into writing though. I think I'm going to follow her advice.

Since its been so long some quick updates on my life. I am working on quitting therapy. I'm down to 2x a month and next month we will be doing 1x a month and then closing out. I am married now. Something I thought would never happen but I met a wonderful man, fell in love, and I am starting over. My daughter is doing well. Can't believe she is four already! I graduate College in the spring. I'm working on my last four classes. One of which I will be finished with in a week leaving only three more. Can't wait to be done with this chapter in my life.

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately... Mostly good changes which is nice. There are a lot more to go though. This a season of change. A season of hope. Of Joy. Love. Peace. Prosperity. Will it be easy? Not a chance. Nothing ever is for me. With change comes sadness. Always has. Its just who I am. To accept new joys means to let go of the familiar and for me that usually means sorrow even if it is not something I want to hold on to. Its familiar and therefore comforting. But its time to move on and let go. Its time to fall and trust that the Lord is going to catch me. See what He has already done! I am MARRIED! I am QUITTING THERAPY! I am GRADUATING. A NEW LIFE and a NEW FUTURE await me!

So why do I feel so afraid? Why do I tremble at the thought that I don't know where God is taking me...I didn't expect to be here and yet here I am and look at the blessings he has given me.

So even trembling I will embrace change. I will strive to make the changes in my life that I still want to make. Changes for the better. Starting with putting Christ in the center. I recently lost my church family because of the changes I made in my life. They could not accept my decision to move in with my fiance' before marriage. We felt it was what was right. We gave ourselves security. My daughter a daddy. And love and comfort with each other. In our hearts we were already committed to marriage. Already engaged by the time we moved in. Just waiting to set a date. Practicality took over. It had to in order to survive and have the ability to even save for a wedding. And I am to be condemned for this by the people I held dearest? I know the teachings of the bible but in my mind it was not living in sin because I already held him to be my husband. I walked into my church a single mom-pregnant with my first child. Seven months pregnant. And they welcomed me and have loved us since. So why now when I find happiness do I find abandonment from these same people?

Anyways we are now searching for a new church. And by "searching" I mean we are skipping church every Sunday until things slow down and we find time to actually search. That has to stop. We will never find a new church by sitting on our butts. So the first change is a push for church. My daughter was saved two weeks ago. We read her the bible every night before bed. She asks questions and understands so much more than I thought she would. My husband was the one who had the saving talk with her. She asked about why Jesus had to sacrifice himself. Why he had to die. My husband explained everything and after a few minutes she asked Jesus to come into her own heart and live there and forgive her for her sins. Precious moments that I missed doing homework. So church is going to be a new priority in my life. Its time to come back and put Christ as center. Who cares if I graduate with a high GPA? My own priorities are changing. I want to be a part of these moments and if that means putting school on a back burner then so be it. Bringing our children to Christ by far outweighs a high GPA. So first a church.

Communication comes second. Me and my husband talk quite a bit. I don't consider our communication abilities to be poor in the least. However since we married I feel like we have drifted apart in some ways. We used to do things as a team. Now I am so focused on being "a good wife" and he is so focused on being "a good husband" that we are forgetting that a wife and a husband work together. So for starters we are going to work together to get the house in order. Laundry, cooking, doing dishes, picking up. All of it as a team. Side by side.

Lastly the goal is to...... wait for it..... lose weight. Yeah pathetic I know. But we want to have a baby and the doctor says while I may be perfectly able to now and might have no issues it would be better to try to lose some weight first. Part of me thinks this is ridiculous. Really? You want me to drop 30-40 lbs just to get pregnant and put it right back on?... But if it means a happy and healthier family then we will do it. My daughter just had her tonsils out for this same reason. Happier and healthier family. We will do this. We can do this.

I'll blog more as I get time or feel the need to. Its kind of cleansing to get all my thoughts out of my head again. Let me know if you have any tips or ideas on how best to make these three things happen. It truly is a season of change.