I'm already tired this morning of people saying "that's better that they didn't find much," "buck up," "It will get better..." Don't they understand what it is like to live like this day after day after day? To never know whats wrong with you or why you are in pain and have no way to do anything about it? If they found something -no matter what it was- they could fix it/me; they could treat it/me; Instead I sit suffering. Watching my family suffer with me.
Watching my husband work himself to death trying to be two people. He is not superman although he has sure tries to be. Every morning he has to get ready and then the real work begins. He has to help me get ready. He spends his mornings trying to take care of me, fetch me clothes/shoes/whatever he can do to make my life easier. Do you know what it is like to not be able to dress yourself in the morning? On bad days, I have to ask my husband to help me put on pants and try not to scream while he gently helps me. Then he has to help our daughter. Get her dressed, do her hair, pack her lunch, get her ready for school. All the things I should be doing...
Then he drives her to school, me to work, and finally gets to work himself. Because of me he may be fired from his job. Because I make him late to work daily with this. Because now he has to get everyone ready, drop everyone else first and then go to work and do the same thing coming back home. They are used to him working late and now he can't because we can't be late getting Kira from school. Which means that he has to do the same amount of work in a shorter amount of time. Its not going well and he told me last night that he is pretty sure his dad is about to fire him.
When he gets home he has to cook, take care of me some more, take care of Kira, try to make time to play with her, do laundry, clean, pay bills, tuck her in, tuck me in because I have a hard time getting into the bed without someone lifting my legs up for me. And finally crash. He is exhausted and I am powerless to help him.
I try. I really really do. I try to get myself and Kira dressed in the mornings if he brings me the clothes. If I'm having a really good day I can stand in the kitchen long enough to make my lunch and hers. I try to stay up late with him so he is not alone doing all the work. At least talk to him. I try to let him play system or watch T.V. as much as possible so he has some down time. I'm doing my best to be a supportive wife and try to burden him as little as possible.
Then there is my daughter. She is soooooooo confused day after day. I think she is starting to like school more than home because there is always someone to play with her there. She has friends. She can run. She doesn't have to be careful there. I can't play with her the way I used to. She has to be careful not to hurt me. Even sitting on my lap for a snuggle for awhile can put me in tears. Sunday it took me 20 minutes to walk back to the bedroom and I was crying the whole way and screamed out twice. All because we snuggled on the couch for a few hours together. How hard this must be for her. I can't even make her a glass of water unless she brings me the pitcher and a cup from the fridge. I'm sure she is tired of my inability and it worries her. Every day at bed time she is praying please God make my mommy better. She writes me "notes" daily telling me she loves me and hopes I feel better soon. I have around 30 now throughout the house. She is a trooper and I know she will get through this but its sooooo hard to watch her suffer and have to go without the things I used to be able to give her. She just wants me to be able to go out and play or get on the floor and crawl like a kitty with her. Things I can no longer do... Most nights I can't even get up to tuck her in. She has to come to me for prayers, songs, stories and hug and kiss goodnight then go with daddy to be tucked in. Its heartbreaking for me to watch her walk away, yearning to hold her a little longer, and tuck her in, kiss her goodnight, and turn off the light like I used to.
I'm sorry if I sound bitter but I'm breaking. I'm so tired. I've been strong through this as long as possible and I just want a break from the pain. A break from the suffering. A little time of peace.
I feel like we have prayed and prayed and no answer. Why is God doing this to us? I don't want to be mad at him and I'm not. I'm just exhausted. I need the shelter under his wings. I need to be held by my savior. But I feel so alone. I feel like he is punishing me for something... but what? I've tried to remind myself that I can't see him purposes and I need to trust in his plan. That it may have nothing to do with me. Maybe he is trying to teach something to someone else. But Who? And Why? When does it end? When will he rescue me? Rescue us? When will this hurt and heartache end?
I feel like I'm shutting down. I'm exhausted even though I got sleep last night. But I find myself falling asleep at my desk. Falling asleep in the car. Feeling weak and tired and unable to concentrate or function today. Its like my body is saying screw you! I've had enough and you may want to keep going day after day but I'm done. I need a vacation. Coffee helps. And chocolate. But its a temporary fix just to keep me awake through the day. I need some rest. Real rest. Please Jesus. I don't even know what to pray for anymore so I will hold onto my life verse and you and my family and wait. Please rescue us soon.
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